Todays Counselling Session

Counsellor filled in my referal form, and thought the idea of me putting myself forward for M.I.N.D. was a brilliant idea.

We managed to access that its the whole 'meeting people' that I am not comfy with, and if I avoid going out, then that takes that risk away.

We spoke about how I feel about myself
She asked me how I would feel if I was out with DH and walked into someone I knew. I told her that I would hope they wouldnt talk to me. I hoped they wouldnt ask how I was feeling. I feel that I have nothing of interest to say to people. I feel that anything I do say, comes out all wrong, which makes me look stupid

She asked about why I feel stupid - What evidence that I am stupid do I have? I dont have any evidence, except the job I do, tends to be for retired people, or people who are just propping up a part time wage. This in turn does make me feel that I am doing a job which is the bottom of the pile.

She asked me how I felt when I got cancer for a third time?
I told her it made me feel that I must have done something really bad, for me to get it three times, by this time I got a little tearfulI also now feel that the 4th time is just around the corner, waiting to knock me down again.
I told her I was scared and didnt want to die (at this point the counsellor wiped a tear away from her face). I apologised for upsetting her.

She wants to see me in fortnight, and for me to keep another diary of my anxious situations during that time.