Todays Counselling Session

Counsellor filled in my referal form, and thought the idea of me putting myself forward for M.I.N.D. was a brilliant idea.

We managed to access that its the whole 'meeting people' that I am not comfy with, and if I avoid going out, then that takes that risk away.

We spoke about how I feel about myself
She asked me how I would feel if I was out with DH and walked into someone I knew. I told her that I would hope they wouldnt talk to me. I hoped they wouldnt ask how I was feeling. I feel that I have nothing of interest to say to people. I feel that anything I do say, comes out all wrong, which makes me look stupid

She asked about why I feel stupid - What evidence that I am stupid do I have? I dont have any evidence, except the job I do, tends to be for retired people, or people who are just propping up a part time wage. This in turn does make me feel that I am doing a job which is the bottom of the pile.

She asked me how I felt when I got cancer for a third time?
I told her it made me feel that I must have done something really bad, for me to get it three times, by this time I got a little tearfulI also now feel that the 4th time is just around the corner, waiting to knock me down again.
I told her I was scared and didnt want to die (at this point the counsellor wiped a tear away from her face). I apologised for upsetting her.

She wants to see me in fortnight, and for me to keep another diary of my anxious situations during that time.

When Panic Attacks

"When Panic Attacks" - Aine Tubridy

I have been lent this book from my local M.I.N.D. office. I have only read 6 chapters so far, but it has opened my eyes to what I have been dealing with for years.

Some of the things that have happened to me over the years, are actually symptoms of panic attacks - they have just not been picked up by my GP. I have spent many a time, sat on back door step, hyperventilating. I also have been caught in the middle of town, with severe chest pains. ECG picked up nothing. Waking in the middle of the night soaked with sweat - all these things and more are down to panic attacks

In Control

I have had a good weekend, feeling quite calm and relaxed today. No mad moments of stress or the screaming abdabs.

I think the reason for me to be feeling a bit better, is because I am slowly taking control of my life again.
I have counselling tomorrow, my Aunts funeral on Wednesday and I will be back at New Directions on Friday. I think having some structure to my week helps enormously.

Chrissie phoned today, to ask how I was. Told her that I am feeling quite well, mouth has healed well. She will not be ringing me again, but I have been told should I need her, not to hesitate to ring her

New Direction

Unknown to me, they only take people on if they have been referred, by GP or psychiatrist. So I have a form to take to my counsellor on Tuesday for her to complete. Easy as that.

Today I filled in an assessment form, explaining my problems and my interests. Explained what I hope to gain out of the sessions.

Within about half an hour of being there, the place was really busy, people coming and going, I must have said hello to 30 different people during my 2 and half hours there. Lots of people with lots of different problems.

It is possible to have lunch there, and next time I am there - next Friday, I may just do that. It cost £2.50, for a proper cooked dinner.

But they all seemed a friendly lot and made me feel very welcome

A Visitor

I was expecting the lady from M.I.N.D at 6pm, by 6.40 she still hadnt shown up, so I put tea on.
She knocked the door at 6.50, saying it took her 20 minutes to walk, from the office

Anyway, she was very softly spoken, and came across as very caring. Then she found out DH was involved with the local radio she soon realised that the radio station could help promote some events they had on.

The outcome of the meeting last night, means that I am going to the centre today. I will get dumped off the school bus out side, and then when I have had enough, someone will either walk me upto DH, or DH will come and get me.
Downside is, I feel like a thicko, or a nutter

These are the current activities on at the centre, I have marked the ones in red, that I may be interested in. Those in blue, I'm not sure what they are!

Monday: Yoga, Daffodil Group, Introduction to Counselling
Tuesday: Bingo, Reading Group, Beauty Therapy, Hearing Voices
Wednesday: SDS Group, Basic IT, Womans Group, Recovery Group, Board Games
Thursday: Hairdressing, Relaxation
Friday: Walking Group, Craft Classes
Saturday: Pool, Art, Film Evening, Recovery Group
Sunday: Music Therapy

I guess it will all depend on how I get on today, if it means meeting new people, and having fun whilst doing that - thats gotta be a positive move. The first port of call, is for me to gain some confidence

Agitated

I didn't have a very good nights sleep, was tossing and turning all night - yet again! I have woken up really agitated, and not really feeling myself.
I have a headache (lack of sleep), heartburn (which I have just taken Omeprazole for) and really not in the mood for going to work again today.
Wednesday mornings, are a different driver, who I don't feel very comfortable with.

Lady from M.I.N.D. called me last night. She is going to come to my house on Thursday evening, and meet me. She will then discuss, in ways she feels they may be able to help me. I am quite prepared to try, but I am so scared. I am now wondering whether I have done the right thing ringing them.

I also recieved the sad news that my Auntie passed away yesterday, she had been suffering with lung cancer for long time. Rest in Peace AJ xxx

F*****G CANCER HAS A LOT TO ANSWER TO!

Back to work today

I returned to work this morning, after my 6 week break. Wasnt really looking forward to going, but I did and got through it. I am a school transport escort, helping disabled children to and from school, via a school bus. We have 5 children on board, two of which are in wheelchairs.

Went for a coffee with a friend this morning, decided its time I got out a bit - even if its not alone.

I contacted M.I.N.D. last night via email

Hello,

It was recommended to me by the counsellor at my local hospital, that it may be worth me contacting you.
I am 43, and just recently getting over having a cancer for the third time, I am almost back to feeling physically well.

BUT I have suffered for years with a social phobia. I am unable to go out on my own - anywhere!
My husband is really supportive, and helps me incredibly, but I do feel that I have to try and do something about it myself.
I have completely isolated myself from my friends.

My GP, started me on Prozac on 8th April, which I know is still early days.
I also went for my first assessment, with a lady from the Mental Health Team last week.

I understand you have a local office, with a drop-in centre.
If you feel this may be of some use to me, could you send me details of address, dates, times, and what help you may be able to offer me.

Anyway the outcome was, they emailed me back. Someone is going to ring me about 5.30pm, later today.

19 Now

I was able to get 19 sticks into my mouth this morning. That is the most so far. My cheek tissue feels quite alot fatter on the operated side than the other, but is not really sore at all now. Jaw is still stiff, with the muscle being quite tight.

Prozac are now being taken in the morning, they are making me feel a little sick, which I hope will wear off soon.

Not really done anything to put myself in any anxious positions. Its so easy 'not to bother'.

A Few hours at the Seaside

A friend of mine and me went out for a ride in her car. We went down to the local beach, had a wander around the shops and then went and had a lovely lunch in a local cafe. After filling our faces, we went down and sat on the beach. It was a bit windy, so we sat close to the wall, but the sun was quite warm.

It was lovely just to get out from these four walls.

Therapist

Went to see Elaine today (my therapist - as she likes to be called) for my assessment DH bless him, came with me and sat in with the consultation.

She wants me to put myself into positions that cause me anxiety or stress, and to keep a diary of the situation, my feelings and rate it out of 10. She will then have a better idea of what things cause me to panic.

She did remember me from last time, but I did point out, that I felt it didnt help much but I really do want to sort it out.

I explained how I have isolated myself from my friends, how I am unable to go out on my own, and how I avoid situations. Avoidance is probably made things 10 times worse.

I am seeing her in a fortnight.

So tired

I had a period of a few hours, that I felt quite calm and relaxed last night, it actually stood out, as I guess its a bit of a rarity at the moment.

Damn shame I couldnt switch off, by the time I went to bed and was wide awake at 3.10am this morning. Eventually, surely I will just be so tired I will have to have a full nights sleep.

Mouths very stiff at the moment, can only get 15 sticks in, and even that is getting hard. Seems to be seizing up a bit.
I do find it easier after a warm drink, also the end of the day is the time I can get more in. I suppose its down to more movement during the day.
Still using the Diffram mouthwash 3 times a day, which does have a slight numbing sensation.

Mental Health Team

I've had a letter come through for an half hour assessment appointment on Tuesday with the Mental Health Team.
The letter comes from the same woman I saw before .... so I dont give up much hope

Been having the most crap nights sleep, I seem to be waking up every hour or so, I am tossing and turning all bloody night.

Managed 17 sticks in my mouth last night, but only 15 again this morning

Prepayment Prescription

I have always owned a prepayment prescription card. Due to everyday medication I am on, it works out quite a lot cheaper.

My last one expired end of February, and with all the going ons over the past couple of months, it to expired, there was about a 10 day gap before my renewal card arrived

During that time I was given prescriptions, DH got till receipts with the aim of claiming back the cost.

When I contacted the prescription people they said we needed a FP57 receipt from the pharmacy. I contacted the chemist, but they were unable to backdate one.

So a letter was written and the till receipts sent off the prescription people, explaining my illness etc.

Today a cheque from them arrived for the full amount we had paid for the medication.

There is some justice in the world.

Prozac in my possession

I took my first Prozac last night. I know they take a couple of weeks to get your system.

I have a cold at the moment, stuffed up head, snotty nose and really dry throat. Hopefully it wont hang around too long.

I managed to get 15 sticks in my mouth last night, and the same again this morning. But I have got a torch and looked in the mirror. It looks like I have split the 'skin' at the back of my mouth, probably through over stretching it. Its not really sore, just a little tender. Perhaps I wont push to get any more in for a few days.

Still not heard about this antiphospholipid syndrome blood test I had done, nor about my next hospital appointment.

Monday

Well not heard back from Gp yet, who was gonna decide after receiving my form, which ones to prescribe. Perhaps once on them, I will sleep better. I am currently going off to sleep quite quickly but I wake up about 4am, and am just led there wide awake.

DH has gone back to work full time. The twins are home as they are now on 2 weeks holiday from college. Not seen either one of them yet - so its nice and quiet for the moment.

Palliative Care nurse is popping in later, with a macmillan grant form. She says we should just try and claim back my lost wages. So she is gonna put in for a £200 heating grant, I'm not gonna complain.

Not heard a thing yet from the prescription people, not even an acknowledgment of getting my letter.

Oh and all weekend I was getting 12 sticks in my mouth plus one, last night just before bed, I managed 12 plus 3. Back to 12 + 1 this morning though

Fairweather Friends

I have been quite hurt over the past few days, by a couple of people suddenly coming back out the woodwork.

I hadn't seen or heard from them in my 'hour of need'. As soon as they heard I was unwell, they disappeared, out of my circle of friends.

Was I really that unapproachable whilst having a 'cancer banner' hanging over my head! Why do people just run away - cancer isn't contagious. How would they feel if it was them in my position - damn hurt too I imagine.

On the other hand, I have had lots of cards, flowers, get well wishes and messages from people I see as true friends ...... even if they do live the other side of the country, and for that I THANK YOU xxx

Gp Visit

DH came with me to see my Gp, she commented on how she hardly ever sees me. Which in itself made me feel better, cos I am sure they see me as a hypochondriac.

She is gonna refer me to the psychiatric team - watch out .... nutter on the loose!!

She asked me to bring a form home to fill in (PHQ9) to which I got 25 points on. Anything above 10 she will consider putting me on anti-depressants have to return it to the surgery at the start of next week.

I told her I didnt mind going on them, if she thought they would help. I have been on Citalopram before, but had to keep upping the dose. Ended up on 40mg. Prozac seemed to work better for me. Only downside is I have a lack of sexual interest, when on them ..... which really irritates me.

Cock up with my repeat emergency prescription for mouthwash, which the Palliative Care Nurse ordered from me on Tuesday. No prescription anywhere, thankfully they did go and get one sorted for us while we waited.

Trismus

Trismus can have a significant impact on a patient’s quality of life by affecting their ability to eat, swallow and speak, whilst compromising oral hygiene, which can lead to further complications.

There are several ways to help. Some people are given a contraption called a Therabite. My surgeon had a very low-tech but effective method. He gave me a box of tongue depression spatulas. The idea is to stack them up and get as many between your teeth as you can. Each day slide and extra one between the existing ones whilst they are in your mouth.

I've been told to do this three times a day, for a minute or two. It will be uncomfortable, but it apparently works well and quite quickly. Today I could only get 11 in, by the time he sees me in a months time, he wants me to get 15 or even 20 in.

Anyway, good news, All tumor has gone, no signs of it at all in what they took 3 weeks ago. Healing well, and doing ok. He was a bit alarmed that I was prescribed morphine by my GP, and quietly had a moan that I should have rung him, - but I did what I had to do at the time. I am no longer on the pain killers now, just the Diffram Oral Rinse.

Another Step Closer

Chrissy came today. We spoke briefly, on how I was feeling emotionally and physically. She will ring me Thursday to see how my hospital appointment went. She has made me an appointment to see my GP for Friday morning, regarding the 'going out issue'. She was prepared to come with me, but luckily DH is on holiday and will come instead. I have been told to be completely honest with my GP and not to hide how I am feeling about it, and what problems it causes me.


I have started to write down my list of questions to ask the consultant tomorrow.

1) Will my mouth ever open wider than it does now?
2) Will I need further treatment?
2a) If yes, what treatment and how long will this last
3) What is the likelihood of recurrence?
4) How much follow up will I have?

Chrissy has only ever had 3 dealings with other patients who have been down the same road as me. Two of which remained clear, one who had recurrences.

Not looking forward to tomorrow - but at least DH will be by my side